Wednesday, March 22, 2006

GuruJeru does Jerusalem

So, there we have it, it is over for another year. The girls of Jerusalem have won their sashes and it is time to start marking off the calendar until they come out again. Truly the highlight of my year.

The Olympics have closed and Oscars have been awarded and there is no great surprise that Jerusalem Beauties 5766 didn't make the cut for HOT prime time, but I was lucky enough to get a perfect view from the from centre kupah at Mr Zol on Rechov Aza. Perfect specimens made their way from Katamon, the German Colony, Centre of Town, and even as far away as Talpiot to battle their way to becoming Best Picture, Best Supported Actress, Best Original Date, Best Foreign Language, Best Costume Design and of course, Best Suitor.

Rechov Aza is certainly a perfect setting for a celebration of such magnitude, the eclectic mix of passers by and taxi drivers is not only a great accompaniment for a ceremony such as this, but it provides the opportunity to meet and greet lots of lovely young ladies, be they on the way to work, home or school, and with any luck, some phone numbers can exchange hands. If all else fails, and they are too keen or ugly, I can always pass off another phone number as mine. I should get some of those numbers memorised, it looks suspect to have to look up my own mobile number!

While superpowers do pass me by, the selection of super powers displayed by the ladies of the city is plenty to get the mind working, but there are just a handful of prizes to be won tonight, and the Superb Six are yet to be named.

TRM made it all the way to the closing stage of the contest, and considering how well we are getting on now, and the pain from that fateful day is fading, she called me to ask me to come along. Well, I wouldn't have missed the show for the world, but now there was no chance of me skipping over the event.

Alas, for now all I can do is wait and hope that my choices come up. Until then I think I am going to have to distract myself by checking out the JG Mailbag. Let's take a look…

"Dear JG, Love the blog, really amazing stuff. Was just wondering, what is your real identity?
All the best,
Debby, Detroit"

Ah, well that's a good question…erm…lets move on…

"Hey Guru! Your blog kicks so many asses! I really love the perspective on Jerusalem Wish I was out there! Anyway, me and my dudes can't stop talking about your blog and we can't stop wondering, who are you really? We just can't work it out.

Please solve it for us!!!

Stay cool!
David and the East Coast Crew"

Ah hell, next!

"Hey JG, You are one sexy beast, man. You are just so wicked, I dunno how the ladies ever leave you alone. I bet they are just queuing up for it! Anyway, I've gotta get going but keep it up you burning hunk of J-Love!
Jeru Guru, Jerusalem"

Damn! Er…well…I have no idea how that got in there…not that I wrote it…or in fact recognise it…erm…..


"Hey JG, All this talk about Oscars is getting really dull. I wanna hear what the guru is up to cos he is my fave celebrity, not like those film losers.
Lets hear more about the big JG.
Luv Ya!
Tina, Tampa."

Well let's see, I'm sure I can scratch that itch for you if you know what I mean…

How about I tell you about my day yesterday. Well, I woke up bright and early in the mood for some social action, and when I say social action I don't mean getting it on with a couple of my mates, I refer to doing something for the greater good, putting a smile on other people's faces, and doing a good deed for the community. I walked down to the bus stop and make my way to the heart of the city, the Tachana Merczakit. As I've mentioned before there are bathrooms there that you have to pay to use and I'd decided that I can no longer be part of the silent majority. My voice must be heard! So with my urine colored "Yehudi Loh Yshalem L'Pee Pee" sign in hand I mosey'd on downtown.

The mail had just arrived and when I got out and its deliverer caught my eye. She was pretty darned cute, standing there with her big parcels and alluring grin. "Hey you" she grunted through a set of teeth that looked like the arch-enemy of dentists and whiteners everywhere, "you tell the owner of that dog that next time it goes for my legs I'm gonna punt it clear over the building.

I shook off my semi-erotic daydream and semi-intelligently answered "huh?"

She shook her head in disgust, scratched herself a few times and lumbered off.

I got to the bus stop and my gaze was immediately drawn to the foxy bitch standing by the kerb. She looked at me and I could feel the electricity between us.

"Hey, good looking" I mouthed and I could tell by the way she was panting that she was into me.

As she lifted her leg up and proceeded to relieve herself, my eyes followed her leash up to her owner, a middle aged Israeli Arab who spat "pervert" at me before boarding the bus that arrived.

I checked out his ass as he scrambled up the bus steps, and suddenly a thought struck me.

So far this morning I had serious considered intimate, possibly carnal relations with my house sized, unhygienic and frankly masculine looking mail lady, a small, fluffy and un-pottytrained, Labrador and an Israeli Arab who may have had a great ass but was very actually male. What in the name of that statue of two breasts over there was going on?

I looked again, but the statue had gone and in its place were a pair of ladies and a vegetable cart deciding what went where. My vision started to blur and I decided that my good deed had better wait. I staggered back to my place through a sea of breasts, thighs, legs; someone had obviously decided they'd bought too much chicken.

At every corner a new female body part or Oscar statue confronted me, at one point I found myself face to face with an arm pit the size of a small pick up truck clutching its best original screenplay gong like its life depended on it. I finally made it home and slumped on my bed, exhausted.

I need to focus on something else, I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

But damn I coulda shown that mail lady's letter box a good time…


Blogger Jeru Guru said...

Kol HaKavod :)

7:08 AM  
Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

this si great stuff and so true

7:12 AM  
Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

JACKSHACK _u r so cool

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Shola Roades said...

DMJ: Who the hell is JackShack?

This is Shola Roades.

6:28 AM  
Blogger ifyouwillit said...

Cheers JG, you do a great job! Hat tip to my mate in the UK that helped me write it, he's a fan too.

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Watson3 said...

As true to life as ever!!!

2:13 PM  
Anonymous DH said...

Well done, ifyouwillit.

10:32 PM  
Anonymous DH said...

Well done, ifyouwillit.

10:32 PM  
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